12 Days of Christmas Cookies: Day 12 EPIC COOKIE FAIL

Aside from the thimble cookies, that I didn't really love, making twelve different Christmas cookies from scratch turned out to be a lot of fun.  Jamie's co-workers have given me the thumbs up on all of the cookies, especially the lemon bars, gingerbread and peanut butter cookies.   Going into the twelth cookie, I thought I would do something extra festive that required a little more technique.   I found this pinwheel cookie and thought, these would be perfect! They are so pretty and I have never tried to make a pinwheel before.   Right off the bat, I realized that this recipe requires a food processor because there aren't any eggs and the batter would be pretty dry, making it harder to mix properly with just a handmixer.  I really hope that Santa got my Christmas list and puts that Cuisinart food processor under the Christmas tree!  Anyway, I did some research and found what I thought was a suitable substitute recipe.   Enter the Martha Stewart recipe. I'm not going to go into how to make these cookies, because clearly I am not qualified.  Instead I will chronicle my thoughts while I was attempting to make these cookies:

This is where I felt like things were starting to go wrong: when I added the milk to the butter/sugar mixture.  It was lumpy and cottage cheese-like.  Not the association you want to make with your cookie dough.   I must have triple checked that measurement because I thought I added too much milk. I didn't. 

 I continued on, despite the status of the batter, and by the time I added in the flour the batter was starting to look like cookie dough.  Sweet! I was concerned though that the dough was too sticky, but not worried enough to add any more flour. It's a Martha Stewart recipe after all, it must be awesome, right?  I was supposed to be able to roll that into a ball.  Let me just say there was no way that was going to happen.  Did I stop? Nope.  I figured it would work out in the end.  Ever hopeful. 

 I divided the dough in half.  Well, really it was probably 60/40.  We've previously discussed my math skills.   I decided to go with red and white pinwheels.  Play doh red. 

 Red Food Coloring 14, Richelle 0.  A couple notes about food coloring: 1) It is really hard to get it off your fingers. 2) If some drips on your hand RESIST the urge to lick it off for two reasons A) it tastes gross and B) it is really hard to get off. 3) If red food coloring drips on your hand, don't wipe it on your pants, unless of course your pants are covered in an red apron.  I am so glad that apron was already red. 

I spent 10 minutes trying to wrap the dough in Saran Wrap and then roll into a rectangle as recommended in the Martha Stewart recipe. I don't know a single person who uses Saran Wrap.  It never does what you want it to do.  It clings where you don't want it to cling and is generally annoying.  I got frustrated pretty quickly with the Saran Wrap and I finally re-read the Sprinkle Bakes recipe and went with the far easier wax paper method.

 I then managed to get the dough rolled into rectangles. Sounds simple,  right?  Except for the fact that the dough starts out in a mound in the center of wax paper. It will eventually be a circle.  It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize that if I folded the edges of the circle into a rectangle that I would get the shape I wanted. 

Okay at this point I've battled a gross sticky batter, red food coloring, saran wrap, and basic geometry.  I am STILL optimistic.  I refrigerated the dough and then I pulled it out and managed to get it rolled into a pinwheel.  All that was left was adding the sprinkles.  SO. FREAKING. CLOSE.  I add the sprinkles and the universe explodes: the damn sprinkles bled into the cookie dough!!!  I was so mad. Angry.  That might not have happened if the vanilla layer was on the outside, but I had more red than vanilla so I just rolled with it.  Literally.

 So it's bad, and at this point I've already invested a couple hours on these cookies, so I say to myself   "it might not be that bad when they come out of the oven".  You know how your parents tell you that it's what's on the inside that counts?  I figured if these cookies tasted good, people would forgive a little bit of smeared dye.  So I let the roll of cookies refrigerate for another 2 hours then I cut a few slices and baked them.  These cookies didn't have anything going for them on the inside at all.  They looked terrible and they tasted worse.  

First, the cookies didn't cut in anything that remotely resembles a pinwheel. Second, they tasted unbelievably bland.  I know that this cookie isn't supposed to be a super sweet cookie, but man it didn't taste like anything either. An ugly cookie that tastes like nothing: optimism finally fades.   Those cookies and the remaining cookie roll met their fate in the bottom of our trash can.  

As anyone in the south would say about the outcome of these cookies: "bless her heart, she tried."